I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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