Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
birth control should be required to get into college
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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