The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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