I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
