There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
