eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My liver just had a heart attack.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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