when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
