we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
