Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
