Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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