he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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