At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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