I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
