How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My ATM looks so different sober.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
