i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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