I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
