Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
