i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
