I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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