dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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