I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
