I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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