All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
