I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
