How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
