I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
