dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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