Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
