woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
