how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
