he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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