I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
