There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
