Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
