I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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