It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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