Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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