Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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