I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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