i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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