after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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