i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
