i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
