im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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