I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
