Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
