I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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