We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My life is pants optional.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
