you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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