I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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