I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
