I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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