I will die if light touches me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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