Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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