i love accidental penises.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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