Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
