Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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