Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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