i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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