I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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